Oh my, I've been cheating on this blog with Tumblr - Oops.
Lmao "baby i can explain" x)

Haha ok enough of all dat. Well since I have time on here now, I guess I'll spill my feelings out now.

This spring break was. . . interesting*

But I overall enjoyed myself, other than the wake & funeral. . . which I keep trying not to think about ; because I hate those shits, but ugh anyway yea - my break was pretty decent.

I dont even feel like blogging right now honestly - Im just telling you highlights of shxt.

• I went to California =D
• I went to a wake & a funeral =(
• I did a photoshoot for Hollister, and Im very PROUD cause its hard as FUCK for black girls. . . dead ass =/
• I went to visit my aunt in San Fransico
• I went to visit my cousins in San Diego
• I roamed around Beverly Hills , then LA with my lovely sister Simone =)
  
• I FINALLY GOT MY TWO PAIRS OF STEVE MADDEN HEELS YESSSSS =DD
• I ended my trip in LA @ a Sushi Bar w/ my sister instead of going out to party until dawn, because I love her.
• At that sushi bar, I think I saw Sarah Jessica Parker? Idk - my bangs were in the way
• I have to go back to Cali in two weeks for a casting call, but my manager wont tell me for what =/

Even though it's a lot of ppl's dream to go to california, and do the stuff I did - I still cant find myself to be happy, or satisfied. Call me selfish, ungrateful - IDFC. Half the people dont even know the shxt that goes on in my head while im on these trips, or why I have these thoughts. Ive heard it all before - Maybe im not happy or satisfied cause I dont get a thrill out of it anymore....idk? Smh oh well fuck it. My break was DECENT like I said




And did I mention im falling for >___> my best friend?
Smfh FUCK MY LIFE. THAT AINT SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN
UGH IM DONE BLOGGING - HEAD BOUTA BURST

new blog muh fuckaaa

steezcheddamozzerella.tumblr.com

its only qonna be funny / fashion / modelinq / amusinq shxt on that one

ill leave my troubles & woes & tears & shxt on this one ^__^ lmao

Criminolgy

". . . WHAT THE FUCK. . ."

Thats all I've been saying since Friday morning. *Siqh* I quess I'll start from the beqinninq. . . I havent bloqqed in a WHILE so...

BRACE YOURSELF.

Friday (April 2nd)

I woke up that morninq feelinq GREAT, which is kind of rare for me because I usually wake up on Friday with a sort of nonchalant attitude. But today I just KNEW it was qonna be a qood day. I had finished my questions and reading loq for Ruff-Jo and was TOO READY to turn them in. I really needed those two 100's. And yes they will be BOTH 100's because I worked really hard on them and I knew that they were ON POINT. So anyway, I put on my new blue Hollister cardiqan & my dark Levi jeans (And yes yall know i stay out of dress code lmao) after doinq my daily morninq routine and was ready to qo....

Then the phone ranq.

Now the phone usually does'nt rinq before 9am unless its my qrandma callinq from work when she qets bored or somethinq. But I knew it wasn't her. I looked at the caller ID and saw a 415 area code. I wasnt about to answer it at first but then I remembered that's San Fran's area code. So I answered expectinq to hear a familiar voice. My mother had picked up the other phone the same time as I did so we both ended up sayinq "Hello?" at the same time, soundinq like twins and shxt lol. But then after that we heard someone takinq deep breaths, as if they were cryinq or somethinq. Come to find out it was my aunt Helen, cryinq and sobbinq, tryinq her best to keep her composure. . . to tell us that Vincent was dead.
Vincent, AKA my Uncle Vinny had apparently killed himself...yea smh. Helen said that she found him in the bathroom in a pool of blood & his wrists slit -___- what the fuck yo. And as I'm writinq this, tellinq all of you my life - I cannot cry anymore. Over the weekend I have cried too many fuckinq times, so my tears are all qone. And i still cant understand why the FUCK Vinny would kill himself... he was always so happy - why would he do somethinq so fuckinq selfish? I really like dont believe this shxt at all, I wasn't too keen on the whole scenario of it all anyway, somebody was lyinq - or not tellinq the whole story.
But OFF THAT - Im tryinq not to think about it anymore until Wednesday.

So anyway, after I hunq up the phone, shocked - I slowly walked back upstairs to my room and shut my door and locked it. I knew I wasn't qoinq to be qoinq to school that day after all. I laid on my bed and just stared at the ceilinq for a qood 15mins before I heard my mother & Candice (aunt) cryinq. I felt like cryinq, I even felt a little nauseous, but nothinq happened. I didnt cry - I didnt throw up, I just laid there. I hate hearinq or seeinq people cry so I qrabbed my ipod, pluqqed it up to my iHome - and blasted that shxt. I didnt even care what playlist was playinq. No music at that point in time could chanqe the way I felt. I just wanted to drown out the cries of my family. I heard the kids jumpinq and thumpinq around because they didnt know what was qoinq on, they just wanted to qet the fuck out and qo to school. SO somehow my mother mustered up her strenqth and took the kids to school. So i laid on my bed with the music turned up to the max, W A I T I N G. Waitinq for WHAT you ask? I was waitinq for my life to mold back toqether. Waitinq for the niqhtmare to be over. . .

It seemed like I was waitinq forever. I quess it was real huh?

I fell asleep for about an hour and woke up to the same thinq. Music blastinq and mother and aunt cryinq. I soon realized that I still had to turn in my work for Ruff-Jo, alonq with Carlythia's questions. -___- WHAT THE FUCK*
So to clear my mind, I decided to qet on facebook and let everyone know that they most likely wouldn't be seeinq me in school that day. I still had mad shxt on my mind so I'm panickinq like OMFG WTF am I qonna do?? I just said fuck it & I' just email it too her, Im already qoinq thru enouqh shxt - I dont need TWO ZEROES. I knew my mother had qone out, and she was qonna be out for a while - So me droppinq the work off before 1:05 was OUT OF THE QUESTION smh.
Mai had started IM'inq me and Im actually qlad she did. She took my mind off of alot of stuff durinq the time we were talkinq back and forth. I helped her finish the rest of her questions LMAO. But anyway, I just knew I needed to qet away. So I arranqed to qo over my best friend JoJo's house for the weekend. I usualy always have fun over there anyway, and I havent seen her in a while. Little did I know that woud be the LAST time I qet to see her for a while. . . fuckinq troube maker -___- Uqh...ANYWAY

I qet to her house and I'm happy to see my Union City friends ^__^ And i met some new ones too, but I forqot her name thouqh lmao. But yea it was Me, JoJo, Tasha, Devina, Destiny, Korri, and Versace. Korri had cooked for us or whateva and then after that we just chilled, tryinq to fiqure out what we were qoinq to do on Saturday. I had NO IDEA what I was qonna be qettinq myself into . . .


Saturday (April 3rd)

I honestly done even wanna talk about this shxt. So I'm just qonna some it up the best way I can. I GOT FUCKING ARRESTED for fuckinq "SHOPLIFTING" a.k.a. RECIEVING STOLEN GOT DAMN PROPERTY. -____- That's riqht, I qot put in fuckinq handcuffs. I can truly say that Saturday was the worst day of my life. I had no idea I had shxt in my baq. . . well - I actually DID know they were stealinq. . . I just refused to say anythinq. But my dumb ass, let somethinq qet into my baq, and the next thinq I know ; Some serial killer, powder lookinq ass dude steps in front of me and says "UHM EXCUSE ME, WOULD YOU LADIES HAPPEN TO HAVE ANY MERCHANDISE FROM SEARS?" -_____- WHAT THE FUCK
Im thinkinq to myself like...are you REALLY FUCKING SERIOUS?! THEY REALLY STOLE FROM SEARS....OF ALL PLACES TO STEAL. . . SEARS BXTCH?!! -___- UGH. FML!!!!
Then after that it seemed like everythinq else was a BLUR. The next thinq i remember is standinq up in the small, hot ass office and havinq handcuffs put on me. I died a little on the inside. All I kept thinkinq about was how stupid I was. How I let myself even indulqe in these activities with Jonellia, my "best friend", and Versace. I never in my life thouqht that i would be put in handcuffs, or put in the back of a police car, or qo to a police station, or be yelled at by a racist ass cop, OR watch my mother look at her only dauqhter, IN HANDCUFFS. I hated myself for that, and I still do. I felt like shxt. She was already qoinq thru enouqh after hearinq about Vincent. I felt so fuckinq bad for puttinq her heart throuqh anythinq else, like yall really dont even understand the relationship me & my mother have. We're more like SISTERS ♥ I wanted to die that day. I honestly still do. Fuck my life 4real - everybody thinks that it's all fine & dandy and that I have the perfect life and have everythinq I ask for - HELLTHE FUCK NO !
But yea doe like I really dont feel like talkinq about this shxt anymore. My feelinqs are extra hurt and I dont want to brinq back any old memories of that incident, So I'll just skip the rest of what happened and move onto Sunday, a better day for me I quess. I promise when all of this is over and has passed by, I will qo into detail of what really happened and about everythinq else. But riqht now. . . Its just too much =/

Sunday (April 4th)

So i woke up feelinq the same way I did on Saturday, which was FUCKED UP. But atleast my mother was speakinq to me, after that incident and even thouqh she was still HIGHLY pissed at my ass. I cant really remember what happened this day, cause it went by so damn fast. I had really wanted to qo to church today - But everyone was busy, or just didnt want to take me - I found that kind of fucked up, I mean come on it was EASTER smfh. But anyway. . . My mind was all over the place this day. I started thinkinq about how everythinq would be if I weren't around, and how better off everybody would be without me. Yea - pretty qood. This is the first time EVERRRRR in my life havinq suicidal thouqhts. And I knew there were more to come. I was actually close to doinq somethinq - then I thouqht like "HEY WELL, VINCENT DID IT SO WHY CANT I" -___- But I know better than that, And i was too scared, so i stopped.
I kknew that on tuesday I had to leave, and that I had a photoshoot and funeral to worry about when I qot to California. I honeslty wasnt ready for either one of them. But I know I have to be stronq for Helen and my blossominq career. i just dont know where I'm qoinq to find the strenqth to do both. But anyway - I booked a red eye fliqht for 3:15am, tuesday morninq - Idk why, but I just like flyinq at niqht. Its relaxinq - to just qave at the liqhts. And these fliqhts usually dont have many people on them. . . maybe a random celeb here or there or somethinq but hey wat the hell they help me think clearly, shxt. Sometimes I just wish that I would just fall asleep and the plane crashes or somethinq, so I dont have to qo back to the niqhtmare I call LIFE. Don't think I'm EMO or anythinq lmfao - Im just qoinq thru some shxt, OK? And dont qive me any pity, I dont need that shxt - it makes me feel weak & helpless. But anyway, i called and booked my fliqht and that was over. I planned to leave a day before my mother & aunt because like I said - I just needed to qet away. From everythinq and EVERYBODY* When I qet to San Fran , I plan on meetinq Helen at the airport, just like old times - when i didnt have a care in the world *siqh* - and then she would take me wherever, prolly to Sacremento or somethinq - cause I knew damn well that she wasnt stayinq in the same place where her husband took his own life -____-
*DOUBLE SIGH* I just wish all this shxt would just STOP - what the fuck did I do to deserve all this damn misfortune? I mean DAMN I'm a qood ass person, and karma has been ON MY GOOD SIDE LATELY. I havent done shxt to ANYBODY man wtf x'( Im tryinq my hardest not to lose it and just say FUCK EVERYTHING IN THE WORLD - Like Vincent -__- UGHHH FUCK MY LIFE I WANNA DIE !!!! I dont care what anybody says...I WANT TO FUCKING DIE - I dont reqret that shxt at all smfh.

But yea luckily my day started qettinq better like around 8:00pm or so lmao. Terrell had called and said Him, Kevin, and Tyrus were in the area and had wanted to stop by and see me and see how I was doinq, since they knew my situation and what was qoinq on with me. When they qot there, that's when I realized who my real friends were - and that they would ALWAYS be there for me no matter what. Everytime somethinq is qoinq on with me, they are always there. When I qot jumped there were here. When i almost qot kicked out the house they were there, with sleepinq baqs & a place for me to stay, and NOW WHEN I GET ARRESTED - They are here =) Damn what the hell would I do without them lol. I hadn't stopped smilinq since I saw all of them. and OMG I havent seen Tyrus is SOOOO LONG! It was nice to finally be reunited with my biq, doofy, retarded brother aqain lmao x)
Of course Kevin slow ass started makinq jokes about me, like callinq me a criminal - and then Terrell sayinq I shoot up malls & shxt lmao - and then TYRUS sayinq "Nahh Moni miqht STEAL IT !" after every damn thinq LMFAO! But hey its alriqht tho, they made me smile and that's all that mattered - I'm really qlad they came because they were who i needed to qet my head back on track - out of my suicidal phases. Aww they really made my day AND NIGHT* They had left around 11 somethinq cause tyrus had to be in the house @ 10 and he kept bxtchin about his mother bxtchin at him LMAOOO - Damn i love those quys =D - seems like they the ONLY males in my life I can trust - and ADAM ♥ Lol i wouldnt forqet about my asian black quy x)
Well on that note that was my weekend - It went from HELL, TO HOT HELL - TO . . . I quess cool hell lol.


It's kind of early over here...time zones is different - So im qonna qet off and take a nap ; then talk later i quess?